The Happiness Project

We were at the library this morning making our way towards the Children's Room. We had just walked in and Dylan was already flailing about in the stroller. Out of habit I said, "Shhhh... Please.". Cassidy was insistent on taking off her jacket even though I had just asked her to please not do that. I was sweating even though it was 22 degrees outside. I took a deep breath and glanced over at a table nearby. Among this table of neatly stacked books was one that was differently placed. It caught my eye and I picked it up. "The Happiness Project", by Gretchen Rubin...

Lately I have been feeling a deep desire to find...something. An answer. A purpose. A focus. Energy. I'm searching and searching, but really, what exactly is it that I am looking for anyway? Peace? Meaning? Contentment?

Yes, all of those things, and more, too, but deep down, way deep down in my gut I want to be happier. I know that sounds obvious and anticlimactic, but I mean it. I want. to be. HAPPIER! I want to feel true happiness in this one life that I have.

I want to appreciate the things that truly matter.

I want to make things happen, take control, make a difference, be better. I want to dig up what I know is in there somewhere.

Yes. I want to be happier. And that is not to say that I am currently unhappy. Not at all. I am as blessed as can be! It's just that I know there is more...there is definitely more.

See, I wasn't even looking for a book this morning. I am right in the middle of a great book, actually, but this - this book was there for a reason, I just know it. So I picked it up, checked it out and have read 32 pages so far. I'm sold and I'm going for it.

I discovered that there is actually a blog, The Happiness Project. On this blog is a one minute video, The Days are Long but the Years are Short. I clicked on the link and began to watch it. I had no idea what it was going to be about, really. Cassidy sat there next to me eating her fruit cup, spilling juice all over the place. We had just finished painting and I had just finished getting frustrated with her as she had managed to get the red paint all over her hands and in her hair. The video finished and I looked at her. She smiled at me and I cried...

The Happiness Project. I have no idea exactly what I am going to do, but I am going to do something. And what better time to start it than right now.

Our Nonexistent Holiday Card

If I actually had gotten my act together this year



I would have sent out holiday cards.



And if I actually had sent out these nonexistent holiday cards,



they would have included pictures



like



these.



So, if you can, just imagine how nice it would have looked... : )

Happy Holidays, All. We love you very much.

xo

Life

I haven't known quite what to say, so I haven't said much of anything.

The truth is, I still don't know what to say, but I want to at least try. The blog is called, "Days with Dylan and Cassidy"...and I can't write much about that without telling how, over the past few months, our lives have changed.

I don't know if we are finishing a chapter here or if we have already begun a new one. I suppose because most of the time, I don't know whether I am coming or going. Our lives have changed, that much is true, and I suppose it doesn't really matter exactly where we are in this book, but more so that we are moving through, page by page, sometimes word by word and even letter by letter, doing the very best that we can.

My marriage has ended.

The kids and I have moved.

We do not live in our home anymore. We moved because I was asked to. We moved because our life, as it was, was not as I believe this one life should be. We tried and we didn't try. We worked but then we didn't. We talked. We cried. We were not happy.

The details. The details of how and why and but - they do not matter in telling because truthfully, I do not expect anyone to fully understand. Sometimes even I don't understand and I lived it. Maybe you feel empathetic, sympathetic. Maybe you feel disappointed. Maybe you are judging me. But you see, I have not ever walked in your shoes. Just as no one has walked in mine. I would not expect to understand your choices, your decisions, your behavior, your life, just as I don't expect anyone to assume they can understand mine.


With these changes come challenges, that's for sure. We are working through some difficulties, that is true. When your life is shaken this way, it takes some time to get straight. Once you feel your world stop spinning, you open your eyes. You realize you're standing on your head and you must adjust and stand up correctly. You dust yourself off and look around. Your kids are there looking at you. Waiting, wondering what has happened, wondering why. They are waiting for you. You need to somehow make it better, make it alright. Make it safe. You pick up your kids, hug them tightly, and tell them that you love them with all of your heart and that you know they are hurting. You tell them that this is hard, that it is hard for you, too, very hard, but that it will get better. It will.
You look around and see that while some things are familiar, the kitchen table, your favorite hooded sweatshirt, most things are very different. But that isn't really the stuff that matters. You know that you are lucky, really, because you are here, you are together, you are healthy, and there is love.

It is not the best ending to a chapter or not the best beginning...but it is part of the story.



As life continues on, in time, I will join along.

I'll continue doing the best that I can, knowing that some days my best may wind up being lousy.

I'll continue loving my kids with everything I can muster.

I'll continue advocating for the least of these.

Trying to make a difference.

Being a good person.

And being true to myself.

All in time...

*

Tonight, after a challenging day, I was pulling Dylan out of the tub when Cassidy said, "I love my baby brother.". I said, "Yes.". I placed Dylan down on his towel, wrapped him up tightly, and Cass leaned in close to his face and smiled. She turned up to me and said, "I'm just so glad I got this one."...

Me too...

Thank you.

::blows dust off of the ol' blog::


Thank you to those who have donated towards Sergey M's adoption fund! As his Christmas Warrior, I find that he is never far from my thoughts. Please, if you can, consider making a tax-free donation to Sergey M. through either Reece's Rainbow, the Chip-In on my sidebar, or through Peaceful Products. Every little bit will help bring him closer to finding a family of his own.

If you make a donation of $35 or more before December 15th, through Reece's Rainbow you will receive a Christmas ornament with a picture of sweet Sergey.

Please remember to leave your name in the comments so that I can choose a winner to receive a beautiful custom made journal from Peaceful Products.

***

Lots going on in these parts, but that...that is a post for another day.



Peace, love and hope this holiday season...