I haven't known quite what to say, so I haven't said much of anything.
The truth is, I still don't know what to say, but I want to at least try. The blog is called, "Days with Dylan and Cassidy"...and I can't write much about that without telling how, over the past few months, our lives have changed.
I don't know if we are finishing a chapter here or if we have already begun a new one. I suppose because most of the time, I don't know whether I am coming or going. Our lives have changed, that much is true, and I suppose it doesn't really matter exactly where we are in this book, but more so that we are moving through, page by page, sometimes word by word and even letter by letter, doing the very best that we can.
My marriage has ended.
The kids and I have moved.
We do not live in our home anymore. We moved because I was asked to. We moved because our life, as it was, was not as I believe this one life should be. We tried and we didn't try. We worked but then we didn't. We talked. We cried. We were not happy.
The details. The details of how and why and but - they do not matter in telling because truthfully, I do not expect anyone to fully understand. Sometimes even I don't understand and I lived it. Maybe you feel empathetic, sympathetic. Maybe you feel disappointed. Maybe you are judging me. But you see, I have not ever walked in your shoes. Just as no one has walked in mine. I would not expect to understand your choices, your decisions, your behavior, your life, just as I don't expect anyone to assume they can understand mine.
With these changes come challenges, that's for sure. We are working through some difficulties, that is true. When your life is shaken this way, it takes some time to get straight. Once you feel your world stop spinning, you open your eyes. You realize you're standing on your head and you must adjust and stand up correctly. You dust yourself off and look around. Your kids are there looking at you. Waiting, wondering what has happened, wondering why. They are waiting for you. You need to somehow make it better, make it alright. Make it safe. You pick up your kids, hug them tightly, and tell them that you love them with all of your heart and that you know they are hurting. You tell them that this is hard, that it is hard for you, too, very hard, but that it will get better. It will.
You look around and see that while some things are familiar, the kitchen table, your favorite hooded sweatshirt, most things are very different. But that isn't really the stuff that matters. You know that you are lucky, really, because you are here, you are together, you are healthy, and there is love.
It is not the best ending to a chapter or not the best beginning...but it is part of the story.
As life continues on, in time, I will join along.
I'll continue doing the best that I can, knowing that some days my best may wind up being lousy.
I'll continue loving my kids with everything I can muster.
I'll continue advocating for the least of these.
Trying to make a difference.
Being a good person.
And being true to myself.
All in time...
*
Tonight, after a challenging day, I was pulling Dylan out of the tub when Cassidy said, "I love my baby brother.". I said, "Yes.". I placed Dylan down on his towel, wrapped him up tightly, and Cass leaned in close to his face and smiled. She turned up to me and said, "I'm just so glad I got this one."...
Me too...
