Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What's the matter?

"What's the matter?", my husband asked me as he walked in the door from work. That's about all it took for the tears to start. "I don't know. Nothing. I'm tired.", was my answer. That may sound like a terrible answer, and I thought that it was, until I had a few minutes to process it. Although it may sound a bit...confused, it's actually a completely honest answer.

As I sat there on the couch feeding Dylan, Dave left to take Cassidy and the dogs for walk. It was the first time today that I had some quiet time...some time to process. What is the matter anyway? Why the heck am I sitting here crying? Am I upset because my almost 2 year old daughter brought me to the brink of frustration and beyond all day with her tantrums? Is it because Dylan's OT noticed that his eyes looked as if they may require being looked at by a pediatric eye doctor? Is it because I was reminded by her that he does have low tone and will need lots and lots of practice for him to reach his milestones in which they will most likely still be delayed? Or that because he has Ds and therefore also displays "low arousal"...meaning that he is "slower" in doing things? Or that she reminded me that he needs to repeat his hearing test as he failed it the first 2 times? That I still can't hold him without his head flying back because he can not control it yet? That he isn't smiling? Or that I am worried that if Cassidy does not have children of her own some day, I will not have grandchildren? That my son will get made fun of more than other kids will? That just because Dylan sleeps through the night, certainly doesn't mean that I do?!

Whew. I think that'll do. I think you can see where my thoughts were going. Yeah, so I had my mini-pity-party, ok? And it's been about 2 hours since then and I am ok now. I am back to reality. I love my son. I love my daughter (now that's she's fast asleep in bed!). I love my husband. And they love me. Life is good. Sometimes you just need a mini-pity-party now and then.


Karen said...

It is OKAY to have pity parties. You have a lot more going on than most new moms, and are holding it all together much better than I know I would be. Some days it just seems like the entire world is crapping on us, so it is okay to feel like crying about it. Hugs honey. Dylan will get there in his own time. You are an amazing mom, and it is okay to not like our kids all the time, even though we always love them. That does not make you a bad mom, just a normal one.

Kimberly said...

You have every right in the world to feel this way. You not only have more on your plate than most moms, but more on your plate than most people in genreal. It takes a VERY strong, and gifted women/ mother to be as strong as you have been. You will have your ups and downs and that is totally normal! Please remember you are not alone in this, I am her for you for ever :) I love you!

Lis said...

Sweetie, you deserve to have ME time and it is OK to have a pity party! You have a lot on your plate right now. The future is scary at best even when you THINK you know what is going to happen. Add in a lot of "what if's" and its made worse. Dylan and Cass are lucky to have you as a mommy. I love you!

Lisa said...

Aww, Laurie. You have an amazing attitude and outlook. Sometimes life gets us down, but you just keep getting back up. Hang in there - I completely get what you're feeling.

c1ndy said...

All those milestones are enough to stress anyone out. I've thrown away the baby book now and we'll celebrate each new skill as it comes.

Love to you and your babies.

Andi said...

Sweet girl.

You are one of the strongest people I know. Not once have I even seen you LET yourself have a moment and it's time that you do. You are more than allowed. You are his light and he is yours and you are such an inspiration. You need to be human. For yourself. I love you.