I think I have a case of the winter blahs. Or maybe it's the January grumpies. Whatever it is though, it's leaving me confused. I feel like lately I've been spending too much of my time walking around in a fog. Or maybe it's a cloud. Yeah, probably a cloud, because it's pretty much cloudy here every day in the winter. Now I guess the clouds have settled into my house. Or maybe just my brain. I can't see or think clearly. At all.
I find that I am not focusing in on the task at hand. Yes, it might appear that I'm making lunch, but really I'm going through the motions while thinking about which pre-school I should send Cassidy to next year. Or what to do the next time she escapes from her crib. Even as I'm typing this, I'm not even thinking of this. I'm thinking about the embarrassing scene (sorry Karen!) that Cassidy made today while we were at the play gym. I'm wondering if I have any new emails. I'm thinking that any minute now, Dylan is going to wake up and I will not finish writing this.
So with these winter blahs comes time to think. And I've been thinking quite a bit the past couple of days. Don't worry, I'm far too scatterbrained at the moment to get too deep, but I have been wondering about what my purpose is. I'm wondering what more I could and should be doing with my life. I am reminded of a letter that my dad wrote me when I graduated from college. He said, 'try to live your life rather than exist in it.'
Ah, please don't get me wrong. I love my life. Sometimes, though, it just feels...selfish, I guess? I think that there is more that I can do. I think I have more to give. More to give to those who may need it.
Before having kids, I dedicated my life to helping others. I worked as a program manager in a group home for teen girls. My teaching jobs were in troubled areas. I have always enjoyed helping kids, especially, who needed a little extra love.
Now I am home and not working. I am home with my own 2 kiddos who have tons and tons of love!! And that leaves me wondering about my purpose. I think I am starting to miss the feeling of helping. Of helping those who may need a little extra...something, anything.
Hm. Then again, maybe I've just been watching too much Oprah. Who knows.