Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I have no idea what I am talking about.
Over the past couple of days, Dylan has made serious progress with FOOD. Real, real, food! I am still trying to figure out how or why this all just happened, and I am left with the belief that he simply was not ready before - and now apparently he is.
He has been eating (all gluten-free) breakfast bars, carrot muffins, bread with hummus, puffs, Berry Fiddlesticks. I have been adding crumbled up Baby Mum-Mums to all of his baby food as well to add texture. He's totally into it! Jar by jar, we're cutting back on baby food - finally!
This feeding success was accomplished without the help of an OT. Or any Early Intervention specialist. Yes, I used some of the ideas from our Feeding Team, but otherwise it was all Dylan.
So, it leaves me wondering lately about Early Intervention services. Shortly after Dylan was born, I was told time and time again (and agreed) that more is better. "Give him every opportunity you can to help him progress". Now, I just...I don't know. Things are changing and I just don't know if more necessarily is better anymore. I had wanted to cut back a bit this summer because we had been going full swing ever since Dylan came home from the NICU. Then, I wanted them all here and I wanted them here often. I felt like it was my job, as Dylan's mama and his advocate, to get as many services as I could so that he could start early. I didn't think there was a choice, and even if I did, I wouldn't have made a different one because I believed in what we were doing. I thought it was best. I didn't know...I didn't know how to help a little one with Down syndrome.
This morning, after we had taken some time off from EI to vacation at the cape, we had Speech Therapy. Cassidy. was. AWFUL. I mean, wow. And Dylan was tired and in no mood to do what he was suppose to do. I apologized for Cassidy's behavior and inside my stomach was churning. Oh, I did not miss this. His ST kept saying things like, "Don't worry, this is normal." and "Kids who have siblings with Special Needs sometimes have feelings that they can not quite figure out."... And I felt, as I have been lately, thoroughly confused. Confused with it all.
Cassidy has many activities that are special and are just for her - it's not at all like our lives revolve around Dylan because he has Down syndrome. But yet, I can't help but wonder if perhaps at times I am causing more stress, more chaos, more confusion - especially for Cassidy, by having EI here. Cassidy acts up, even when she is included. She knows that they are not here for her. I stress and worry and wonder what in the world they must think of us when they leave.
I believe that with Early Intervention, one of the most important pieces is the carryover. Dylan is not going to walk any sooner because he has PT for an hour once a week. I know that I must work on the things that they suggest - and for the most part, I do. I do. But sometimes, I don't want to. Sometimes I don't want to think about any of it. Sometimes I just want to pretend that we don't have to deal with delays and Early Intervention. Sometimes I just want to live our lives.
Sometimes...I get confused as to what I am doing and what is best. What is best for Dylan, for Cassidy, for me, for Dave. And I don't know the answer. I just know that I really don't like feeling the way that I did this morning after our Early Intervention session. As our ST drove away, I turned to Cassidy and said, "You know, that behavior was not OK Cass. Why did you do that?!". Cassidy started to cry, real, genuine tears, and said, "I'm sorry, Mommy.". I walked away because my own tears had started. I felt so guilty, so badly for her. But yet, we were heading out the door to her activity now - swimming lessons. She said, "Mommy. I'm trying to say that I'm sorry...". I hugged her because I believe that she is sorry. I know that it's not easy for her, but...
Sometimes, I just don't know.