These evaluations. Assessments.
Dylan's 2 year eval is on Wednesday and I'm anxious. Each time I think of it - butterflies. But why? Because he's 2 years old now? And his delays are becoming more and more apparent? Possibly. But I remember feeling nervous about his 1 year eval. And I'm sure for his 6 month one as well. I want him to do well, but yet I also don't care. Or rather I don't want to care because I know that in the big scheme of things, it does not matter. But yet... They told me that these scores will be sent to his future preschool. That they will be used to share important information with his future teacher.
They want to share his actual scores with me this time and I said I would think about it. I felt like they wanted me to say yes, as if I am in denial or something, but it's not that. They told me that once he's in school, there would not be a choice - whether I want to know or not, they are going to share it with me and in a not so gentle way, either. Oh, I just don't see how that information can in any way be beneficial for Dylan. Or for me. Will he walk sooner? Talk sooner? Place blocks one on top of the other sooner?
So then, what I don't get is - why the nerves? The butterflies? Sometimes I still worry that I am going to hear something that I don't want to hear... Maybe I am scared to hear it. Maybe it's different than what I think it is. Maybe, just maybe, it is a touch of denial, then. My own thoughts and guesses of "where Dylan is functioning at" don't count because they are just that - thoughts and guesses. They are not official, they are mine. I'm his mama and I am biased. Maybe I am too afraid to hear the words coming from someones else's mouth. Afraid to see the words in print. Words and numbers that would then become very real to me. Words that say that my son, this little boy who I love more than anything in this world, the one who in my eyes is amazing and wonderful and sharp as a tack, is, according to an official evaluation, actually functioning as a...what? 9 month old? 8? I don't think I can bear it, I really don't. Even though I know it does not change a darn thing, it may hurt. No, it will hurt. Badly. And I do not want to feel sad about Dylan...
Do I need to know? Do I need to know exactly how much of a delay there is?
Because my hope is that there are more important things in this life for Dylan. He is delayed, yes. But yet, he IS wonderful and amazing and sharp as a tack. He is friendly and silly. Cranky and loving. Happy and feisty. Sensitive and observant. And he is showing me, showing us, every single day a different side to this life. A different look at life. A perspective that reminds me, each and every day, to thank my lucky stars that I was given it...
So I wonder, do I need to know?