Friday, March 25, 2011
When They Leave
On those Fridays when they leave, I do not do well.
During the week there are times when I wish for quietness, for a clean crumb-free floor, for the chance to sit on the couch and watch my shows on t.v. I do not wish for these things often, but yet, when times get tough, I do. Briefly.
But I know that the Friday will come soon and when it does I will beg for the chaos, for the crumbs, for the Max and Ruby show that I've seen a million times before. Because even though I think I want the quiet peaceful home, I really don't. I don't want it at all. I want my kids. I want them here with me.
It is hard. Yes, I know that this is happening because of life choices that I made, but still. It is so very hard that at times I do not know how to make it all o.k. I don't know how to and I will never know how to because it's not o.k. My kids are not with me and I do not know what they are doing.
I miss them and it hurts very badly.
But I am trying.
In many ways, I am trying.
I am trying to forgive.
I am trying to juggle being a good single mama and being a productive working woman. I am trying to provide a good life for them; the best life for them because they deserve nothing less. But I am nowhere near perfect and sometimes, probably a lot of the time, I mess up. I say the wrong things. I make bad decisions. I make mistakes.
What can I do?
What I can do is just exactly what I tell my kids - "Always try your best because really, that's all you can do. Can't do better than your best...".
Aaaaand when my best stinks, I try harder the next day.
But, oh...oh how I can not get used to these Fridays when they leave...
Hurry up Sunday.