Thursday, May 19, 2011

Why?

Sometimes, when difficult things are happening, I do not know what the reasoning behind it is.  I do not know why it is happening but yet I do believe that there is a reason. 

I remember seven months ago when I was looking for a place to live, I had found a house that I absolutely loved.  Turned out that I could not qualify to buy a place at that time and so I had to rent instead.  My sister was driving around condo searching with me and I asked her if she believed that things happened for a reason.  She said that she did and I said I thought I did too, but that if this is the case, why couldn't I buy this amazingly perfect and adorable house?  Why?  What could possibly be the reason?   

Turns out that there was a reason.  That was not our house.  This condo is our house and I now believe that it all worked out the way it was meant to.

Things are happening right now that are out of my control.  I do not know why they are happening and it's been difficult, tiring and frustrating.  Ever since I accepted the permanent substitute teaching job, things have not panned out the way that I had envisioned them.  It's not the job - the job is wonderful and has even reignited that spark that I once had for teaching.  I want to be back in the classroom.  I want that!  It's a part of me, I feel it, and prior to this job I was fearful that I had lost that desire. 

The problem is...at this point, I have missed more days than I have been there.  I accepted this job trying to help and actually have caused more trouble.   Part of my hope, too, was to accept this job as a starting point.  As a way to get my foot back in the door and perhaps a full time teaching job opportunity may arise for next year.  Perhaps they would think of me for that job. 

I do not see how this can be so now.  How could it be? 

Since I have started working, in one month Cassidy and Dylan have had the stomach flu, conjunctivitis, double ear infections, colds, strep throat, fevers, rashes, roseola...I know there is more but I can't even remember it all anymore.

Each time one of my children is not feeling well while at school, the nurse calls me and I have to leave to pick them up at school.  Each time a child is not feeling well in the morning, I have to call for a sub (even though I am the sub!).  Each time a child gets a fever, they need to be fever-free for 24 hours before returning to school.  Same goes for conjunctivitis.  And strep.  And roseola.

Why is this happening?  I mean besides the fact that this is what happens at daycare.  I get that.  I mean what is the big reason?  Is there a big reason?  I have to believe that there is because otherwise it's too hard.  I have to think that there is a reason why this has not worked out the way that I had wished...that perhaps I will look back on this time and understand that there was a plan after all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We had Dylan's very first IEP meeting this week.  I will share all of the details of that once I am able to think more clearly....: )

3 comments:

Suitcase said...

Hang in there Mama. Yes, easier said than done, I know.

Cheryl said...

Aww sweetie the first few months in a public setting is very hard. The kids get innundated with germs, you know that. But if you keep sending them to these things over the summer then hopefully they will have the healthy, resistant immune systems they need to stay at school all day, every day. And you will have the freedom to pursue your own things!

Loren Stow said...

Oh it is so difficult sometimes isn't it? And the reason? Well, sometimes it isn't clear and sometimes it may never become clear. But, like you, I do believe that everything happens FOR us, not against us.
Hang in there - you are a great mom and an excellent teacher and you are doing your level best. You cannot do more than that.
It will get easier, and then you will truly cherish your freedom and ability to reach higher and aim further.
Right now, one foot infront of the other is really your main focus - and take it one day at a time.
It is all in perfect order - I believe it. You have done so well this year, and achieved so much in your life, with your little angels, and within yourSELF. You have really come far - remember that.