I don't really know how to explain this, but I think it's worth a try.
Sometimes it feels - for lack of a better word - strange to me that I have a baby who has Down syndrome. No...I know that "strange" isn't the right word that I'm looking for. But, I can't seem to find the perfect word to describe what it is that I'm feeling...anyway...
I was taking a shower yesterday and all of a sudden I said out loud, "I have a baby with Down syndrome.". And it felt...strange to me. Surreal. Even the words "Down syndrome" felt foreign or distant. Like words that I had never expected would be a part of my life. A part of my heart.
I mean, I know that Dylan has Down syndrome. And I have known this fact for 7 months now. But there is just something that happens when I hear it spoken out loud. When Dylan and Down syndrome are spoken together. I hear it and I breathe in quickly. Just the tiniest gasp, a small intake of breath...like oh yeah! Down syndrome. Dylan. That's right.
I guess hearing it still has the ability to shock me, just a little bit. Is it because I forget? Or because it still has an effect on me?
I have talked about this before with my sister, Kim. She had actually brought it up to me one day while we were chatting on the phone. I was so incredibly relieved to hear that someone else has felt it as well.
I remember about a month or so ago, Dave and I were sitting on the couch and all of a sudden he turned to me and said, "I still can't believe it.". I knew exactly what he was referring to. I said, "I know.".
I wonder... is this is all a part of the journey? Will there be a time when I can hear Dylan and Down syndrome spoken together and not flinch...just the tiniest little bit?