Sunday, August 30, 2009

Love

My friend Dan from The Oz Squad poses an interesting question. He asks, for the sake of educating people about what Down syndrome is really like, "What is normal?".

Eh, darned if I know, but thinking about it did inspire me to write this...

~

When I found out that Dylan had Down syndrome, shortly after his birth, I questioned very seriously, love. I questioned my ability to love. To love him. Questioned my desire to love him. To love my son. This baby with Down syndrome.

Honestly, I was afraid of him. For him. For me. For us. I was afraid of what I thought I knew, for I thought I knew what Down syndrome was.

I thought that this baby, the one who was lying in the NICU, the one who would need heart surgery, the one who has Down syndrome - this baby was not the baby who I had planned for. This baby was not Dylan, the one who had grown inside of me. Surely this couldn't be right, could it? I did not plan for this life. I did not plan for Down syndrome. I had planned for a baby. A baby boy. A normal baby boy. Period.

For the first few months, I bit my tongue and held back millions of tears. I watched my son and I waited. I held on. I breathed in, I breathed out.

Time went on and I began to see Dylan. Yes, Down syndrome too, for sure, but I could see Dylan in there somewhere as well. My baby boy. He began to smile. He began to laugh. There was love. It is growing.

Time continued.

Three, four months in and my heart is softening. My fears begin to crack and crumble and my worries are slipping away. Dylan and I have bonded throughout his heart surgery. I'm falling in love.

He is learning to clap. He waves. His personality is absolutely, without a doubt, shining. I am smitten and I am left wondering, what am I missing here? I must be missing something. This is Down syndrome? Is it suppose to be like this? This life is...this is not bad. This life is good. Better than good - it's amazing! But...I thought it was all going to be terrible. I thought it was going to be scary. I thought only negative thoughts.

But why? Why this fear? Negativity is the belief, and it needs to change.

This child. My child. My baby, my son. Dylan. He is...how can I describe what he is in one word?

You may think one thing is for sure - that he is not is normal. Eh, you may be right, for he is not normal, I guess. Neither am I. Heck, my almost 3 year old may appear normal, but I assure you, she's not either. And neither are you. You may think you are, but you aren't - ha! Is anyone? Seriously?

Dylan. He is something much stronger, much better than that anyway. Something so much bigger.

He is love.

Pure, true, honest love.


25 comments:

Perplexing Situation said...

Beautiful post! Thanks for sharing this. Dylan is an adorable baby and is so lucky to have a mom that loves him so very much.

Anonymous said...

Dylan is one of the most beautiful baby i have ever seen.He will be all you help him to be.God gave him to you and you will do the right thing.Love your children.I am not trying to preach to you because i know you love him and will do your best for the whole family.
God Bless

Derek, Kenzee and Gage said...

Perfectly said. He is adorable, what a lucky boy.

Adrienne said...

So beautiful! Dylan is love. I love that! And you're right- none of us are normal!!

Katie said...

I wholeheartedly agree! Every word you wrote...perfect! Both Dylan and Jack ARE love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lisa said...

Beautiful, Laurie.

Baby Copty said...

You wrote everything my heart has felt. That was really beautiful. Thanks for being so open.

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

He most definitely is LOVE and BEAUTY and just plain edible!!! :)

Sasha said...

LOVE IT! Just look at the kiss he is planting on his sister. Can you feel the love?...Yes!!

Tim and Kelli said...

Perfect post!

Ann said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful journey. Beautiful child.

Kimberly said...

Ok, now I am crying.
I really think that our entire family is blessed to have Dylan in our lives. He has brought so much joy and light into our lives. You have a way of putting things into words so perfectly!
I love you.

Mara said...

I always say what is normal for one person isnt normal for another. Regardless of having a child with issues or not. My life before Kayden was normal to me, but is completely abnormal to someone else : ) Now that Kayden is here we have "new normal" lol

Kim Rees said...

I think you described what all of us with Ds kids are experiencing. So beautifully written that your love is just oozing out of this post! Thank you for sharing.

Angela said...

Beautifully said!! Love the picture! :)

Anonymous said...

great, you just made me cry at work ;) beautifully written. kiss those babies. xoxo

The Lehnick Family said...

Beautiful post Laurie...he is everything about LOVE and more!

Jeanette said...

Normal is a setting on the dryer. I loved your post. Very well said.

Karly said...

Beautiful, Laurie. Much love to you all. xo

Lis said...

Dylan is the luckiest boy in the world to have you as his mommy. Love you!

Amanda said...

This is so great!

blessingsandglory said...

Perfect - what true words! And that darn Dylan - he just keeps getting cuter and cuter!

-Libby

The Paskins Family said...

Thanks Laurie! What a great post - your words inspire me to keep believing that I will get past all of the questions and fall deeply in love with Nate.

Susan said...

Laurie!

What a small world!! It was such a pleasure to meet you and Dylan today. And such a surprise to realize that he was the Dylan I had seen before on your blog!! He is even more gorgeous in person!! He is a shining star with his amazing eyes, clever clapping, sweet smile and wonderful sounds. He is simply precious......

Please e-mail me if you would like the names and telephone numbers I told you about. Also feel free to e-mail me with any questions you may have. I am here for you and Dylan!!

Susan
susan@karalias.com

Sarah said...

What a wonderfully written post! Love to you. xx