Monday, November 30, 2009

Mediocrity

Today, as I sometimes do, I felt like a mediocre mama.

The weather was dreadful and has been for a while now, it seems. Dark. Wet. Rainy all day. We have been completely off our usual schedule lately with Dylan's appointment last week, Thanksgiving, family gatherings.

I felt tired today, but I don't think I am. At least I don't think I should be.

Oh, I attempted an effort today, but quite honestly, it was pretty weak. Come to think of it, did I even take my slippers off? Briefly I'd bet - yes, when I brought Cassidy to get her much needed hair cut.

It's not that our house is dirty necessarily, but then again, it certainly isn't clean, either. I mopped the floors and vacuumed the rugs. The coffee table is relatively shiny. I paid a couple of bills.

I played Pretty Pretty Princess (jealous Piecy?), Memory, "Fishy Game", and read piles of books to both Cassidy and Dylan. We had an EI appointment. We listened to the "Cass cds" and danced around the house. We played tea party and dress up (Cass did the dressing up naturally!).

But.

Cass did spend a good chunk of time with her paci in her mouth watching her new Max ansd Ruby dvds. Dylan napped alot.

Toys were strewn about everywhere and the dog hair...ugh...each a losing battle, I think. Our bathroom trash barrels remained full all day. I thought about emptying them, but I didn't. There is dirty laundry in the washing machine and clutter in the kitchen. If you look closely (or maybe not so closely), you will see that it is dusty upstairs. Garland is wrapped around our porch columns while our rotting Halloween pumpkins sit below. Holiday lights are in clumps on the kitchen floor, waiting to be hung up. Our unmatching (that's not a word, is it?) Christmas stockings are stuffed in a grocery bag on our dining room table.

Come to think of it, I have one plant in my house. One. And it's barely alive. I do not know how to "do" Cassidy's hair. I, along with my kids, spend the majority of our time in sweatpants. And fleece. I don't cook (as I was reminded by Cassidy tonight) nor do I bake.

I am a stay at home mom, but I'm not so certain that I'm any good at it.

One thing I can say with absolute certainty, though, is that I love my kids. Ah, do I love them!

I love how today Cassidy turned to me, after getting hit by our dog's tail, and said, "Bailey just wagged me". How she must have asked me no fewer than 300,000 questions today about everything from, "Why do we have 2 noses?" (I explained that it's actually one nose but 2 nostrils) to "Why did Dylan do a big poopoo in the bath last night?" (Wasn't too sure how to answer that one, honestly). I love how she told me repeatedly that she loves me. Especially when she knew that I was losing my patience.

I love how today Dylan learned yet another sign - "bath". I also discovered that apparently he has been secretly growing another tooth (a molar?!). I realized this when he grabbed my finger and shoved it in his mouth and proceeded to crunch down. (Another sharp little bugger!) I love how today he rolled around our living room floor, then army crawled up to his little karaoke toy and smacked the button down starting the music so that he could "dance" on his belly.

Mediocrity. It's my issue, then, as I don't suspect my kids notice. Don't think they care, either.

But, I know. And because of that, I want to do better. I think that I can do better...

12 comments:

Tim and Kelli said...

I am right there with you. This weather and getting dark at 5 stinks.
As far a fleece and slippers, it is all about comfort when chasing around 2 kids all day and the last thing I need is spit up or beef a roni smashed in my sweaters. Some of those stains are hard to get out. Besides, I already have enough laundry to do anyway.
Being a stay at home mom is great and someday we may wish that we were so busy with a 3 year old and a 1 year old that the trash still sat in the garbage can.
Enjoy it, you have the most important job ever!

Hector and Jennifer Varanini Sanchez said...

Yes, most important and difficult job in the world. I too feel like I would be fired if my job of SAHM was evaluated but I do the best that I can most of the time but try every day to try harder! Keep up the good work!

Angela said...

Ugh. I feel your pain 100%! Except it seems you are playing a lot of games whilst I sit on my computer. :(

Benjamin has been sick for an entire month and it's taken its toll, let me tell ya!!!

But I do love, love, love my boys.

Sharon said...

Great writing again, Laurie. This about sums it up for me too. Maybe we'd all be happier if we were wagged a little more often.

Kelly said...

Oh my, I have been feeling the same way too right down to the sweatpants and fleece! You are not alone Laurie. Isn't it funny no matter how "mediocre" we feel, our children love us just the same! Aahhhh, true love! Embrace these moments........you "WILL" look back and laugh one day! I assume these are the small things we are not supposed to "sweat"! lol

Bethany said...

Did you watch Nie Nie on Oprah? She went into the home of a mom that I suppose felt she was mediocre and wow did she change her thought process after spending some time with Nie. Keeps it all in perspective, ya know? Hope you are having a better day today. In fact, I think you should do my 12 Days of Giving with me ... it HAS to boost your spirits!! :)

Amanda said...

Doesn't sound mediocre AT ALL to me! I agree that the weather is horrible and it's such a drag! If your kids aren't watching TV 24/7 then I think you're doing a great job.

Stellarchild said...

Laurie...you are silly. Mediocre does not exist in your world my friend. You are an exceptional soul and a wonderful mother. We ALL need some lazy time. Especially the children. It's good to chill and honestly, the comfy clothes are a must. Pretty soon, you'll have to dress Cass up for school and everything else that comes with it!! Don't be so hard on yourself my friend. If I were a quarter of the mother you are, I would be beyond proud.

Jackie said...

So there with you. I just did two weeks of 'single' parenting while Jason was away on course and the house suffered for it. Isaac and I got out to walk the dog (a bailey too BTW)and a quick grocery shop but otherwise spent our weekend at home, in our PJs. My patience isn't always as high as I'd like and some days I wonder how I'm going to survive with two at home all day. But then we dance around the livingroom, or I get a big hug and a kiss and it's all worth it. And I think you're right, the kids don't notice at all.

Tara said...

True confessions: I don't know how to "do" Kate's hair either. She looks like Sammy Hagar with great big crazy fuzzy blonde curls most days. Sometimes I bribe her with a sucker to let me put barrets in it. Oh, and who has matching Christmas stockings? Bree from Desperate Housewives? You're an awesome mommy. The fact that we feel guilty about not doing enough is proof in and of itself that we're doing it well.

Sasha said...

Cut yourself some slack! I think you are an amazing mom and are doing lots of things for your home and children. Yes the laundry piles up, there is dust..but so what. At least we are in a world where our top priority is our children and playing with then not cleaning dust. Sometimes I feel the same way and it is usually when I have some relax time from appointments and such and I am just catching up and not doing much. Hang in there. Remember you are AWESOME and you deserve a break sometimes. Okay more than sometimes:)HUGS

Jocelyn said...

I have a cold, so Myles spent all day in his pjs yesterday playing with the tubs filled with Christmas decorations yet to be unpacked. I'm pretty sure he loved it. Sounds like you're doing a great job!