Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Hardest Thing

We got a call today from Dylan's surgeon with the date for his pre-op appointment. It will be on Wednesday, October 29th. While I knew that they would be calling soon with a date, it still hit me like a ton of bricks. It is all too real now and I am scared.

Dylan's open heart surgery is in exactly 3 weeks. Gulp.

Last night Dave and I were sitting on the couch watching tv and he turned to me and asked, "What is the hardest thing you have ever done in your life?". I asked him if he meant emotionally hard or physically hard. He said, "Both.".
Ok, let's see. Physically it would have to be giving birth. Twice. But, then again, that marathon I did a few years ago wasn't exactly a piece of cake either. But, yes I'll go with giving birth. That is the hardest thing I've ever physically done in my life.
Emotionally I would have to say...this. This right now is hard for me. This time in my life. This whole surgery thing. The waiting and worrying and wondering. Having to wait for my son to have his open heart surgery is the hardest thing that I've ever done in my life.

I know that he will benefit from this, yes I do. But, it just twists my stomach all up thinking about what he will be going through. He seems so healthy right now. I can't help but wonder...yeah, but, do we really need to do this?

I know, I know. We do. And we will. And some day I will look back at this time in my life and wonder how the heck we got through it.

9 comments:

Cathy said...

Oh Laurie...I'm sending you a cyber-hug. I don't think that anyone except someone who has been where you are right now can understand what you are going through!! I also know that no matter what any of us say to you, it won't help...been there done that. I'm not going to tell you everything is going to be ok (even though it will be). We are MOMS and that gives us the right to worry!! All I can say is hang in there...this side of surgery is GREAT and these weeks before will soon be a memory. Give Dylan a big ol' hug from Lily and me.

Kimberly said...

Laur, I don't know what to say. It is so scary and nothing I can say will help, but try and be positive and think of all of the babies that you have heard about that went through it and now they are doing great, like Lily :)
Love you!

Lis said...

This is a scary time. But you will get through it, all of you. You are all so strong. Love you!

Lisa said...

(((hugs hugs hugs))) Laurie.

Tricia said...

Just wanted to say I understand and am thinking of you.

Cleo said...

I empathize with you Laurie, all your thoughts and emotions regarding Dylan’s upcoming surgery are only natural. When being challenged by life events, I find that faith, positive thoughts and good energies are crucial tools that help me soothe my fears and keep me going. Continue to make an effort to remain as calm, positive and strong as possible, you will overcome this experience. Keeping Dylan and your family in my positive thoughts and prayers.

Jen said...

I've been there too, and it IS the hardest thing. You know you need to do it, you know you have to do it, but there's still part of you that wonders if it's the right thing.

Evan was like Dylan...healthy, no symptoms. So it wasn't even like you have an improved quality of life to look forward to. It just seems like a horrific thing you have to do for no reason. Ugh. It stinks. Be strong...just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Thinking about you.

Aaron and Amy said...

This is SUCH a hard thing! The weeks before M's surgery were a nightmare of gut-wrenching worry, germ-a-phobia, gallons of hand-sanitizer, sleepless nights and tears. You have every right and reason to be scared, and to dread the whole ordeal. I wish you could skip to the recovery stage . . . but meanwhile our thoughts and prayers are with you. Let us know if there is ANYTHING we can do!

Jeanette said...

I found your site from Finnian's journey. Your son is almost exactly on year younger than my daughter who has DS. We did not have heart surgery, so I cannot begin to know what you are going through. I will say that I have read through your last few posts and I think that you and your husband are doing a great job. It is great that you are a strong united front. You are buckling down for a hard journey with this surgery, but the fact that you have each other is wonderful.

Your thoughts in the last few posts on the Buddy Walk are reminiscent of our feelings last year with our first walk. It is great that you are expressing them in this type of arena. There are lots of supportive moms out there to share this journey with. Prayers for your swet Dylan!