These days, I would say that about 90% of my thoughts are consumed with Dylan's heart stuff. These thoughts are of the positive and negative kind.
I have been reading a little bit more about the surgery that Dylan will have. If you are interested, you may find some information about correcting an AV canal defect here.
I've also checked out some additional information as well as some post-op photos here.
It is so difficult to put my feelings about all of this heart stuff into words. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, and it's not stopping. There are some huge hills and some tiny ones. Some days I feel at peace with Dylan's surgery. I know that it is for the best and I feel pretty good about that. But other days, and these are definitely more frequent, I want so badly to pick up the phone and cancel the whole thing. Call it all off.
At this point, what I want to do is to go into this surgery feeling positive, hopeful, confident. I want to be strong for my son. I want to believe that everything is going to be fine.
I do not want my thoughts to be consumed with fear and worry. Unfortunately, I am a worrier by nature. Have been my whole life. I think this is why I have been trying to read up on the surgery and why I have looked at difficult pictures of babies who have had this same procedure. I do not want to be surprised. I do not want to worry about what I may not know. I want to be prepared. I want to know what lies ahead, so that I can be strong.
I know there is no way to completely alleviate the fear, but if I could just let a little bit of it go, and replace that little bit with hope, I can be a better and stronger mom for my son.
Now...how to go about doing that?