These days, I would say that about 90% of my thoughts are consumed with Dylan's heart stuff. These thoughts are of the positive and negative kind.
I have been reading a little bit more about the surgery that Dylan will have. If you are interested, you may find some information about correcting an AV canal defect here.
I've also checked out some additional information as well as some post-op photos here.
It is so difficult to put my feelings about all of this heart stuff into words. I feel like I am on a roller coaster ride, and it's not stopping. There are some huge hills and some tiny ones. Some days I feel at peace with Dylan's surgery. I know that it is for the best and I feel pretty good about that. But other days, and these are definitely more frequent, I want so badly to pick up the phone and cancel the whole thing. Call it all off.
At this point, what I want to do is to go into this surgery feeling positive, hopeful, confident. I want to be strong for my son. I want to believe that everything is going to be fine.
I do not want my thoughts to be consumed with fear and worry. Unfortunately, I am a worrier by nature. Have been my whole life. I think this is why I have been trying to read up on the surgery and why I have looked at difficult pictures of babies who have had this same procedure. I do not want to be surprised. I do not want to worry about what I may not know. I want to be prepared. I want to know what lies ahead, so that I can be strong.
I know there is no way to completely alleviate the fear, but if I could just let a little bit of it go, and replace that little bit with hope, I can be a better and stronger mom for my son.
Now...how to go about doing that?
10 comments:
First no more talk about needing to be a better or stronger mom for Dylan. Laurie, you are SO much stronger than you know and definitely are stronger than I would be, I know that.
And being educated about Dylan's surgery is what a good mom DOES do.
I love you sweetie.
The fact is it has to be done, there is nothing we can do to change that. Us being big time worriers, it makes it that much harder to not worry, but what good will worrying bring Dylan? You are going to worry no matter what, the difference is how much time you let that worrying take over. I would try and let yourself have 30 minutes max a day to worry and get it over with, then get yourself up give Dylan a hug and move on with your day being positive, knowing that this surgery will better his life!! During your worry time call me :)
Laurie, you are already an amazing and very strong mother for Dylan, own your strength. I think you are doing the right thing by preparing yourself, perhaps you can try to relax a little bit now that you have done all your research and be confident that you will be able to handle whatever lies ahead and with that certainty you will.
You can try this: see the negative thoughts as dark clouds, watch them, do not engage in their story line because that's when they become powerful and then you start having negative emotions. While you observe them passing by, breath, take deep breaths, breath again and they will go away. Do that every time you feel the waves of worries coming to you, do it again and again, as many times as needed, it takes practice and it works. Whenever you are having an anxious moment calm yourself, it helps to engage and give all your attention to any activity so you can release the tension, you can clean something, go for a walk, etc. Any kind of negativity in trying times is your enemy, you need only friends now, you can train your mind to be your best ally by not giving room or any space to any bad thoughts and/or feelings. Think positive, keep replacing the bad thoughts for good ones, reinforce the positive again and again.
Give all your power and energy to the positive thoughts and emotions, stay as much time as possible in a positive and proactive state of mind. Trust with all your heart and being that the surgery is going to go well and it will. Dylan is going to be OK ~ , all of you will get through this.
Keeping all of you in my positives thoughts. :)
I think educating yourself about it is definitely a sign of courage and strength. And I think that continuing to blog/journal about your thoughts, feelings, and fears is what is going to help you get through this whole ordeal.
((hugs))
I agree that just getting all of the information you can is the most important thing, and preparing yourself as much as possible, and calling the doctors with any questions, no matter how much you might think you're bugging them. However you also have to give yourself a break a bit- go to fun websites, try to do something nice for yourself, get a pedicure - just be good to yourself too. I can't tell you not to worry, because I would be doing the exact same thing, but you also have to try to give yourself a break.
I don't know if it will happen for you Laurie, but a couple of days prior to Lily's surgery a sense of calm came over me.
You may not feel like it, but I can tell that you are an incredibly strong woman who will rise to the occasion. Hang in there. You are doing everything right!
I was really adamant about looking at those tough pictures too. I needed to know what we were up for. I meant to ask you awhile ago, are you familiar with the DS/Heart Condition group (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Downs-Heart/)
I was not ever too involved with the msg. brd. but they seem like a great group.
I don't have a ton of pictures of G after surgery, but a few if you want me to email you. All your research WILL make you stronger.
it's so scary, and so hard. but everything i've heard tells me that AFTER the surgery, Dylan will be so much better, so much more alert and so much happier. so maybe think about that...the day AFTER the surgery...
xo
You are an incredibly strong mama. Educating yourself is your best weapon. Sending you lots of hugs.
Dylan is just gorgeous! It sounds like you're doing a great job of preparing yourself, as much as is possible. My Braska had AV canal repair with some additional valve work done at 3 months. We were relieved by the time it came to surgery due to some increasing heart failure symptoms, so there wasn't any anxiousness. (That doesn't mean it was easy to hand her over at the OR door, though, I admit.) We were just glad she was gonna be all better! :o) And she is. 100% fixed up and good as new.
Here's a link to her one-year anniversary post with links to all our surgery stay posts too. In case you're interested... http://braskabear.blogspot.com/2008/02/my-hearts-been-fixed-one-year.html
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