Friday, October 3, 2008

I Did Not Know

"We think that Dylan is showing some possible signs of Down syndrome.".

Those were the first honest words that were spoken to me five hours after my son was born. I was so scared. No, actually I was absolutely terrified. I was terrified of so many things in that moment, one of them being a question about my love for him. I honestly believed that I did not know if I would be able to love him. To love this baby with Down syndrome. To love Dylan.

I remember being home that night, the night that he was born, alone with my husband. Dylan had been transferred to the NICU and I was discharged from the hospital where he was delivered. I remember peeking in Dylan's room that night and thinking that I had been horribly betrayed. Yes, this was Dylan's room. Yes, these were Dylan's clothes and Dylan's toys. But not the Dylan that was in the NICU. That was not the Dylan that I had envisioned or planned for. No no no. This wasn't how it was suppose to be.

I remember shortly after Dylan had left in an ambulance heading to the NICU in Boston, telling my dad and sister that I was angry with this baby. I was actually angry that he wasn't who he was suppose to be. I was crying so hard because I knew that it was so unfair of me to feel this way. I remember saying to my dad, "I know that it's not his fault. But I am just so mad at him!".

It has been 3 months since that day. I know that in some instances 3 months is not necessarily a long time. But in this case it is. It is the amount of time that Dylan has been in this world.
When I think back to that day, I wish so badly that I knew what I know now. I wish that I knew that of course I would love Dylan with all of my heart. I wish I knew that now, 3 months later, I cry a little bit every day because my love for him literally hurts.

I thought that I had been betrayed, but really this was all right. Everything that happened is exactly right. It has taken me a little bit of time to get here, but now I know without question, that my Dylan is exactly who he is suppose to be. He is Dylan.


Cleo said...

That’s right!!!. He is Dylan, your perfect and beautiful son. Thank you so much Laurie for this lovely post, you are an amazing mother ~ . :)

Kimberly said...

When you heard the news that you were not expecting at all, your reactions were completly normal. You have truly inspired me in more ways then you will ever know. I have always looked up to you and wanted to be just like you, but you really have overcome many things in the past few months that I am so amazed by. You have embraced Dylan and each one of his precious chromosones. You have also reached out and inspired many other families that are going through the same things you are. When we heard about Dylan I was with Mom and one of the fist things she said was "Laurie will be Dylan's best advocate" and you really are Laur.
You have been so strong even when you go to the 'Dark side', which everyone does from time to time!
I also want to say how proud I am not only of you and Dave but our whole family. We have some difficult times in our future, but together we will get through this and have a positive outcome :)
I love you!

Lisa said...

Oh, gosh, Laurie, your words take me back to my own feelings of betrayal when we first suspected, and then had confirmed, that Finn has DS. You express it all so eloquently. Look how far we've come. Thanks for a wonderful post.

Cathy said...

Beautifully said...thanks for sharing your heart!

Lis said...

What beautiful words. Dylan is perfect!

Beth Jerome said...

Saw your blog b/c Finnian's mom posted you today. Your words touch my heart. Thank you for sharing it and expressing that love that only a mother knows-