"We think that Dylan is showing some possible signs of Down syndrome.".
Those were the first honest words that were spoken to me five hours after my son was born. I was so scared. No, actually I was absolutely terrified. I was terrified of so many things in that moment, one of them being a question about my love for him. I honestly believed that I did not know if I would be able to love him. To love this baby with Down syndrome. To love Dylan.
I remember being home that night, the night that he was born, alone with my husband. Dylan had been transferred to the NICU and I was discharged from the hospital where he was delivered. I remember peeking in Dylan's room that night and thinking that I had been horribly betrayed. Yes, this was Dylan's room. Yes, these were Dylan's clothes and Dylan's toys. But not the Dylan that was in the NICU. That was not the Dylan that I had envisioned or planned for. No no no. This wasn't how it was suppose to be.
I remember shortly after Dylan had left in an ambulance heading to the NICU in Boston, telling my dad and sister that I was angry with this baby. I was actually angry that he wasn't who he was suppose to be. I was crying so hard because I knew that it was so unfair of me to feel this way. I remember saying to my dad, "I know that it's not his fault. But I am just so mad at him!".
It has been 3 months since that day. I know that in some instances 3 months is not necessarily a long time. But in this case it is. It is the amount of time that Dylan has been in this world.
When I think back to that day, I wish so badly that I knew what I know now. I wish that I knew that of course I would love Dylan with all of my heart. I wish I knew that now, 3 months later, I cry a little bit every day because my love for him literally hurts.
I thought that I had been betrayed, but really this was all right. Everything that happened is exactly right. It has taken me a little bit of time to get here, but now I know without question, that my Dylan is exactly who he is suppose to be. He is Dylan.